Health Class Day 2

Yesterday was talk-about-sex day. My daughter had not had such a good day at school, and I had to beg and wheedle to hear about health, but she gave in. She even read me her notes.

Basically, they talked about what sex is, definitionally-speaking. And then they talked about the difference between "making love" and fucking, which "he calls PORN". (She even wrote "PORN!" next to the list in her notes.) Making love, of course, dealt with commitment and relationship and responsibility and deeper feelings than physical ones. Fucking/PORN! was pretty much the opposite.

I asked my daughter if the guys in the class were upset at the teacher blowing all their lies/lines out of the water in his talks, and she said the guys don't say much of anything...she suspects they are just trying to concentrate on NOT getting erections during class, since the teacher admitted that males can get erections for any old thought that pops into their heads, unbidden, at anytime. I think the guys are now afraid the girls are looking to see if they have hard-ons all the time! (They aren't--the girls are actually participating in the discussions more than checkin out the boys.)

I didn't tell her that particular challenge stays with them forever, and that I suspect men have to fight that battle until the day they die!

Bored...

Wow, I am completely bored right now. And I really have nothing to say. I seem to have finished all my tasks, and need to go find more to do. My boss #2 brought me a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Frapp with whip (ALWAYS with whip for ME!) and I am happily guzzling it down and calling it lunch. I actually ate my lunch at 10:17 a.m., because I had taken all my meds and vitamins and had a stomach ache, so I needed to throw something digestable at it. Which is fine, because I have to go buy cat food and yogurt for my stomach during my lunch hour anyhow. Well, YOGURT for my stomach and cat food for our cats, who I gave a dish of cat treats this morning for breakfast, as I underestimated the amount of food they had left, and found it a teensy-tiny amount. Fastest they had ever eaten, though! Musta been yummier than the food usually is. And it kind of bothers me that I had to write myself a postie to remind myself about the cat food and the yogurt. I am not old enough yet to have a failing memory. I think my memory is just lazy...but I still remember most things in pinpoint-accurate detail without trying. That made the drunken college days more painful--other people could forget their stupidity...I NEVER forgot mine. Oh! I have to pee! Finally, something new to do!

Hello, my name is Chelle...and I am a Glass Junkie

Hello, my name is Chelle...and I am a Glass Junkie...I admit my inability to shake this disease on my own...and I turn myself over to my Higher Power to get me through, and to stop me from stalking Dale Chihuly and like-minded artists...ahem...I mean...

I just found out that someone I went to college with (and his lovely wife who I have never met, but am sure is awesome) is a glass artist now! I am jonesing to buy some of their pretties, despite the fact that I know my financials will not allow it. Maybe for my 40th birthday in April...hmmm...yeeeeessss...perhaps then...

You should go see his website: http://www.sigwarthglass.com/
I have no qualms a'tall putting in a pitch for them...their glass is GORGEOUS!!!!
You should all go see for yourselves, though. It totally rocks.
Sorry I can't give you a peek, but I didn't tell him I was going to rave about him in my little blog, so...GO NOW!

UPDATE! Douglas and Renee Sigwarth generously allowed me to upload these pics, which I think are two of the finest pieces I have seen (and I am think it's very cool that these are the ones I would have picked too!) I admit it: I want to own these two myself. Admit it---you want them, too. You really want them. You should have them. You DESERVE THEM! Go forth and SHOOOOOPPPPPP!

------------>I ADORE THIS!
The watercolor series is SO PRETTY!

High School Health Class

I just have to share with y'all this story about my daughter's health teacher.

First, yesterday was her first day of health class, and she is in there with, as she puts it, "JUNIORS and sophomores, and girls who have already lost their virginity!", so she is a little uneasy, as she is none of those things.

I cannot for the life of me recall the teacher's NAME right now, but he is a HOOT!

1. He told them that he didn't really wanna teach Health, but he has to, which I think is a great admission.

2. He cusses (not AT anyone---he is like me and uses cuss the same way---as emphasis) and tells them not to cuss, which is so ME that it makes me laugh.

3. Words of wisdom that have come from his mouth already: I paraphrase:

"Girls! Boys WILL LIE to you! What they want is your vagina! I LOVE YOU means 'I want your vagina!' "

"And 'friends with benefits'? You are NOT in a relationship! What that means is he can do whatever he wants, and then call you up and say, 'I want your vagina! Bring your vagina over here now!' "

"Tomorrow is going to be X-rated. We are going to close the blinds and the door, and hope [principal's name] doesn't come around. We're gonna talk sex."

My daughter now has a favorite teacher...it is HIM.

And honestly...it sounds like her health teacher is just a male version of her mother...I can't wait for the next recounting of her day!

I MUST meet this man soon.

Scary Food Thoughts

not my actual meal ---->

Okay, it disturbs me when my microwave meal has "Real Fruit Dessert!" emblazoned on the box, especially in a prominent position. It sends a flurry of intimidating thoughts through my head, like: Does that mean that all the microwave meals that don't say that are made with FAKE fruit? Because I used to have a play kitchen with pots and pans and fake fruit (the banana was my favorite...let's not psychoanalyze that, please), and I have to say, it really was NOT that tasty, and impossible to peel. And if the other meals DO contain fake fruit, how on earth did they get those things peeled and chopped, when I couldn't even chew through mine?! And does fake fruit have ANY nutritional value at all, or is it just a freebie, calorie-wise? And what IS the correct number of times to chew your food in that case?


And while I am here, I think we should start a worldwide campaign to increase the dessert portions, even of fake fruit desserts, because that IS the best-tasting part of every microwave meal. AND they should add desserts to their breakfasts, too. (People, I'm from Iowa...you ALWAYS HAVE DESSERT WITH YOUR MEALS! It's a genetic imperative!)


But now that I look at my meal, I am wondering about there being no "Real Meat Entree!" on the box. I could be eatin' someone's Chihuahua and not know...it would still be a healthy choice, as they are small and not too full of fat...


And these green beans are lookin' a tad unreal, as well...

But I need the fake vs. real question cleared up first...


Screw it. It's back to peanut butter and jelly for me, starting tomorrow...

What I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

Mom. Married. Teacher. Novelist. Ballerina. Actress. Ballerina. Vet. Children's Book Author. Singer. Ballerina. Doctor. Professor. Archaeologist. Theatre Designer. Painter. Midwife. Coroner. Vet Tech. Marine Biologist. Crime Scene Cleaner. Well-off.

What I Am at 39:
Mom. 9 to 5er. Queen of Spreadsheets.

From Sept. 07

BOOBS!

Now, first off....I LIKE my daughter's school. I think they are good educators and decent, caring people overall.
But that does not change the following:

I DARE the school to suspend my daughter for showing a bra strap.

How ridiculous is it to suspend girls because "bra straps distract the boys"?
Fact of life: pubescent boys notice boobs! Always. Everywhere. FOREVER!
Our girls could wear full-on loose fishermen's sweaters...BOYS WOULD STILL LOOK AT, AND THINK ABOUT, BOOBS!
Boys do not NEED to SEE straps to be thinking about boobs! Boys are distracted because boobs EXIST!

There is a difference between dressing like a hoochie and having a bra strap show. To punish a teenage girl (whose self esteem is already shaky, thanks to the world we live in) for being smart enough to realize they need to wear a bra is ridiculous. The flat chested ones can wear spaghetti straps...or anything...as long as there are no bra straps showing?! It's discriminating against girls who are more advanced, biologically speaking.

I guarantee---girls with breasts (which is most of them, I may add) are more distracting WITHOUT BRAS!

I've worked very hard my daughter's entire life to engender her with strong self-esteem. Being a teenager is confusing and uncertain enough without having a school turn around and interrupt a girl's schooling and put a suspension on their educational record for NOT letting their boobs flop all over; for wearing a bra and GASP! having a strap show at school!

Setting Puritanical rules to try to prevent biological givens is NOT helping anyone.
And it is punishing our GIRLS, who have less equality in America to begin with!
Undermine girls' self worth some more, please!....thanks for your "help" in raising secure, responsible, intelligent children.

From what I hear, all the kids, male AND female, think the rule is BS.
And guess what? I pay taxes and write out my checks to the school and I vote...and I THINK IT IS BULLSHIT TOO!

I am SO glad this is a more pressing issue than giving our children AN ACTUAL DECENT EDUCATION!
How about, instead of walking around on the lookout for bra straps, you educate our children in a way that will help them to succeed in the world?
Stop wasting my tax dollars, and my time, and MY DAUGHTER'S EDUCATION!

So, I dare you to do it to my daughter. I'll be so far up the school district's ass I'll need a full body HAZMAT decontamination when I am done.

Very Cool

THINGS I THINK ARE COOL:

*The way pelagic rays' backs feel, all soft and velvety, and how they look when they swim---like flying.
*Wintergreen lifesavers
*Shakespeare's plays---regardless of who did or did not write them.
*My mom. I was informed by old friends that she was ALWAYS the cool mom---I just didn't realize it.
*Anyone who survives their child's teenage years without beating them senseless. Also, a kid who survives their teenage years without raising a hand against their parents.
*Jellyfish. They just ARE.
*Cherry Pepsi
*Color copiers
*The smells of Crayolas and of PlayDoh (Did you know they make a PlayDoh scented perfume? Saw it in a catalog.)
*Sand Dollar skeletons
*Naps
*How in Hawaii and San Diego you can watch the sun set into the ocean; as opposed to Santa Cruz, where it usually sets into a cliff, so you miss most of the end.
*My daughter. She cracks me up.
*My boss
*Toads and fat tree frogs
*Education
*Trees
*Muenster cheese
*Lip gloss
*The sound of thunderstorms
*the Discovery Channel
*Converse tennies
*Pluto----I miss Pluto.
*Sand around my feet
*My bestest Jellyfish, Shelia
*Telepathy
*Orcas
*The smell of new books, and very old ones.
*Fingernail polish
*Comfy pants
*The feel of the top of my desk at work
*Birds singing, especially the mourning doves that hang out at our house
*Riding the waves in a speedy boat in Maryland, and then watching the jellies fluoresce behind us
*Finding the perfect gift for someone
*Paying the bills and still being able to afford groceries or a night at the movies
*Kiwi Strawberry Snapple
*Kevin Smith ("My Boring-Ass Life" Read it now!)
*Wrigley's Extra Melon gum (Only available in China---you can stop looking for it. And Wrigley's said NO, they will NOT make it for us, and that I should have my Chinese friends send it to me from overseas if I want more. Geez!)
*Pictures of my mom when she was young
*The fact that two of my exes actually work in theatre. (Although I am also very very jealous of that fact.)
*Close up photos of flowers.
*When my cat sucks her thumb.
*Pretty Kleenex boxes.
*Watching otters break open their food on their bellies
*Quilts
*Saving Jane---both albums
*Bread
*Having somewhere to post my brain vomit like this...

Not Cool

THINGS I DO NOT THINK ARE COOL:

*Mendacity (look it up, or watch Cat On a Hot Tin Roof---the Newman-Taylor one is best)
*Throwing poo--literally AND figuratively
*A wasted education
*Abuse
*People who pull into the wrong lane when turning corners. (Are ya TRYING to kill us?!)
*Boozed up potheads. Or potted boozeheads.
*Drivers on the highway who refuse to let people merge. (I'm outta lane here, bud! Are ya TRYING to make ME kill us?!)
*Leering men who catcall and whistle at women and girls
*Bra strap regulations
*Genevieve's cat (Thank the gods she is pretty!)
*That all my neighbors speak Spanish and I don't.
*That lip balm is never the same once it goes melty, even if you refrigerate it
*Just lookin to hook-up
*Guns
*Waking up feeling old
*A bruised meniscus
*That my parents are getting old. It doesn't seem right, somehow.
*These Japanese green tea wafer cookies we have at work. More tasteless snot and cardboard, please?
*Kids growing up too fast and furious
*Adults NOT growing up
*United States consumer society
*Metal paperclips
*My snap peas died once I took them out of the pot and put them in the ground
*That the world revolves around using blue or black ink. How limiting...
*Soduko. Or Sudoko. Or however the hell it is spelled.
*Telephones
*"Medicinal marijuana". Please, people...who's zoomin' who? (Subject to change if I ever get cancer.)
*Having to work full time to still not make ends meet
*Another Japanese cookie I just ate...that tasted like crispy burnt toast. On purpose, I am guessing.
*Debt
*Not having a dog. There is even a tree outside that kinda looks like a dog. Kinda.
*Unkindness
*Kicking Pluto out of the planetary lineup
*Chihuahuas, in general.

Oh, Yoda...

Ancient Wisdom? No, TIMELESS Wisdom!
Current mood: contemplative

I have been reading and listening to a lot of ancient wisdoms lately.
And, guess what? They all say pretty much the same thing, regardless of time or location or "belief":

Live honestly
Live with compassion
Live Truth
Be good to the Earth

It mystifies me that the human race as a whole cannot grasp this, no matter which peoples they hear it from.
This is not difficult, folks.
But to transform the universe, you do have to stop living every day bending others to your will, and acting from a place of ego, selfishness, violence and greed.
We need to learn that WE ARE ALL THE SAME, and that WE ARE ALL CONNECTED, and act accordingly.
We have incredible power to HEAL ourselves and each other and our world, and we do not use the power!
We waste it. We bury it. We ignore it.
We hurt each other when that is the very last thing we should be doing.
Life is supposed to be JOYFUL.
But we get in our own way and cling to pain and hate and strike out at others rather than fix our pain within ourselves.
Embrace each other. Help each other. Live a joyful life.
Everything happens for a reason---but it happens better when we make an effort to live cohesively and gently.

On a Lost Hope

Eventually, you get to a point where you have fooled yourself for too long, and talked yourself into things as your status quo that lessen you as a person. And it is hard as hell to stop deceiving yourself and turn that around. But eventually, it is too tiring to keep trying to support and buoy someone up at your own expense, with no end in sight. Eventually it is too much to continue feeling hurt by someone else's actions or lack thereof, no matter how much you truly love them, no matter how full your heart is for them, no matter how much you still desire a life with them. Eventually you figure out that you are waiting for a happening that would get the shittiest of odds if it were a horse bet at the track, and that has no glimmer of horizon's edge. So eventually, you stop making one more attempt, and stop waiting, and stop making excuses that you call "being understanding" and keep you stuck in your pain. And that is hard, especially when it is not a LOT of different things, but just ONE thing. One thing that is too big a load to keep carrying, and one that you both did not expect to have to carry so long, and that wasn't really your load to begin with, but one you voluntarily took up, never expecting it to last so long, or diminish you so damn much. In the tug-of-war you create between your own heart and your own mind, eventually the organ most filled with pain does not have the strength to go on, and the other makes the decision for you. And your friends call it "standing up for yourself" or "valuing yourself" or "deserving better". And it is a painful fact of life that if you hide from making a decision in life, a decision gets made for you. Avoiding decisions does not work out for anyone in the end. And the new crack in your heart is thunderously loud and leaves you destitute and in pain, regardless of how the decision gets made. And the dream gets retired, and life goes on...just not as brightly, and with a void that aches.

If It Just Didn't Matter...

What If It Just Didn't Matter:

If it just didn't matter...
I would wear less clothing. I would dance. I would talk to everyone. I would have TONS more sex with people who I can't even SEE through my fat glasses. I would value me enough to purposefully draw attention to myself and show my gifts. I WOULD PAINT and LET OTHER PEOPLE see and compliment me! I would show off my great rack on purpose, and not worry if I was safely tucked into the cups. I would run and twirl and laugh in public even when alone. If my issues disappeared, I would date more, and have more sex, and be happy about it. I would find a profession I LOVE rather than being good and dependable at what gets me by in Santa Cruz. I would paint and create and take lovers and enlarge my family and my circle of friends. I would find a way to live a life more open and less worried and I would stop assuming that I am stuck in poverty and singlehood and open my heart more to EVERYTHING---people, places, interests. I would banish fear form my life and live a fearless, juicy, LOUD life that made me sing with joy instead of trapping me in the mundane. I would see people more clearly and assume their thoughts are positive instead of negative---I would let them show me who they REALLY are, without the automatic assumptions I imbue them with. I would make a life's work of bringing beauty and joy and self-acceptance to everyone I met.

What I Really Want

What I Really Want

I think we female humans spend an inordinate amount of time trying to decide what we want out of life and love and ourselves.
So let me tell you what I want, what I really, really want (thanks, Spice Girls, I'll take it from here.)

What I Want: Life

I want Joy. I want unmitigated joy.
I want Laughter.
I want a feeling of security.
I want to see my family and my friends more.
I want a feeling of peace, moment to moment.
I want time to read.
I want to paint.
I want to be in love.
I want to be solvent.
I want company.
I want less clutter.
I want enough food.
I want enough.

What I Want: Love

I want someone to be sure of.
I want someone to depend on.
I want someone to support me!
I want someone to have my back.
I want someone in my DAILY LIFE!
I want someone who wants to be with me.
I want someone who smiles at me across the room apropos of nothing, just because looking at me makes him or her smile with joy.
I want someone who wants to be a PARTNER, not take advantage of me.
I want someone with a libido, who wants ME.
I want someone who can make conversation about anything or nothing.
I want someone who can cook better than me.
I want someone who actually LIKES children.
I want someone who thinks I am beautiful and smart and sexy.
I want someone who laughs.
I want someone who is nice to me and my daughter, and people in general.
I want someone kind and able to think about others, as well as take care of him/herself.
I want someone with emotions s/he will share.

What I Want: Myself

I want to fret about money less. MUCH less.
I want to be glad to wake up every day.
I want to laugh more.
I want to go to the ocean.
I want to be less worried about what people think.
I want to laugh out loud, even in public, and not care.
I want to enjoy what I do.
I want to be who I am, not what surrounds me.
I want to live honestly, with humor and peace and honor and love.

Onward & Upward! Mush! Yah, Mule!

I do not make New Year's Resolutions.

I used to, but too many years of feeling the failure by mid-January of things I didn't, or couldn't, really commit to do to begin with, has cured me of that. That, and the fact that, like most females in the U.S., I grew up with "go on a diet" at the top of my peer-pressured list during all tween and teen years, makes me scoff at such lists.

First off, screw the dieting! Screw the worries of being seen as fat! Screw punishing ourselves for being ourselves, and not some skinny, bony thing on the pages of "fashion" magazines! (Hey, if we could all airbrush before we hit the streets, that might just make it okay, but...I don't think so, even then.) Besides, as a society we seem to have forgotten a very simple rule of biological imperative: LIVING BODIES DO NOT LIKE TO BE STARVED! And they sure as hell do not like to be threatened with starvation, which is what most bodies see a diet as. The word "die" is there for a reason, y'all. And bodies defend themselves...by doing what? Say it with me: holding onto reserves to use in case of starvation. I think the world needs to get a more retro-view of bodies...I think it is time for the aesthetic of Rubens to come back into vogue...in his day, voluptuous women were HOT...having curves meant you could afford to eat, so you would survive, so you were THE means of continuation of the species. Besides, curves are sexy.

But I digress (often, you will find)...

I do not make resolutions for the New Year anymore.
I still have lists, but they aren't the resolutions of the type generally expected.
Last year, I think I had some things like "Get a rug for the living room" and "Journal more", "learn a language" and a few work-oriented tasks that I should have gotten to. Some I actually DID.

THIS year, I scribbled my list-always-in-progress on a recycled sheet from my 2008 Dog-Page-A-Day calendar from work. It is living in the January pocket of my new Live With Intention 2009 planner as we speak.

Here it is, so far:

New Habits
go slow
walk the dog
drink H2O
think twice, spend once
eat when hungry, stop when full
move sometimes

Yep, in the last 21 days, that is what I've come up with. (Notice I have not RESOLVED to do anything. I don't need the pressure. I'm a single mom living in California---I HAVE ENOUGH PRESSURE!) More fluid. Less imperative. More things I would like to accomplish more days than not, rather than regimented demands to make on myself, and punish myself for not doing.

And how am I doing, in the world of ardent non-resolution-keeping?

Well, starting my first day back at work, I implemented go slow. My boss was very proud. By day two, she had to tell me to take a break and slow down again, but I have since managed slower more days than not. Constantly on the move is a hard, hard habit to break, especially when one's mind is never still, though I am giving it my best shot.

I still haven't walked the dog this month, between being sick for a few weeks and depressed one of them, and the fact that it is dark by the time I get home...and it IS the rainy season, and my pug thinks water is acid, I suspect, and worries about her beautiful bod eaten away. Getting her out into the back yard to pee is difficult enough right now, even when the ground is wet and nothing is falling from the sky anymore.

Drink water...well, I take my meds with water. Except last night, when I downed them with a Smirnoff Ice (REALLY bad day...meltdown verging.) Drinking water for pleasure is not yet my habit. Wild Cherry Pepsi is my crack, my lover, my lifesblood, and some days, my Goddess!

Think twice, spend once: ehhh...maybe once I have some money to manage, that will kick more into play. Sometimes I struggle for enough change for toilet paper. January is like that right now. How much is a ticket for not renewing your plates? Dear Traffic Gods, please help keep me under the radar this month...

Doing well on the eat when hungry thing...today I even stopped when I was full! But yesterday my period kicked into high gear, and I ate whatever I could get into my mouth without actually leaving my desk chair. But that is okay, too. It happens. And those Candy Cane Kisses were taunting me, dude! They've been taunting me since Christmas week. They were lucky to live this long. They only lived because I left them in my desk during the shutdown. Lucky little shits. (The last once got it today.)

Move sometimes. Right now, all I can really do is move into other positions when the cramps hit, and walk to the ibuprofen bottle, and call it exercise. But I DID kinda boogie into the bathroom with a song in my head early on tonight, so there is hope for another day.

And here's the one that didn't even MAKE the list...start a blog. Find a place where I can put my mind vomit out into the world instead of leaving it bottled up, squishing about in my head to make me crazy, so I can stop mumbling to myself so much in public. ("She doesn't LOOK homeless!") Find a place to have my say, exorcise my demons, be silly and ridiculous and opinionated, and occasionally have a good old hissy-fit and rant...no one has to read it, but I did it, and that is what is important. And if someone DOES read it, maybe one day, some little globber of my ramblings could help someone, or brighten their day, maybe even make them smile or let a giggle escape. And if no one reads it? That's still okay...it is in the creation that the magic and the healing commence.

So sayeth the Jellyfish...

And on we go...