Thursday, May 20, 2010

Star Trek DOES apply IRL!

Y'know in ST2:Wrath of Khan, and in the new one as well, when they take the creature and drop it into people's bodily orifices to wrap around their innards and make them crazy and give up information and do as they are bid and then kill them?
C'mon, you do too. (Well, Google it, fer gods' sakes!)

Well, I think I have one of those wrapping around my cerebral cortex.

I think it's settled in, having been rummaging around in there for the last 24 hours or so.
At first I feared it was the beginning of a migraine, which will make me chop my own head right the hell off, but now I do not think that is it.
Could my spine be out of whack? Yes, but I still owe the chiropractor almost $900 from last year, so THAT ain't happening...thus, that cannot be the answer.

Could it be that I was sick for two days and the germs haven't completed their retreat? Could be, but there isn't anything I can do to hurry their asses up on their that cannot be the answer.

Could it be that I carry all my stress in my upper body and my skull? Nah, couldn't be something so silly as that!
However, I think I am going to go with the Ceti Eel creature. (Yeah, I googled it's name for you, slacker. By the way, did you know the Captain Terrell action figure came with a Ceti Eel accessory? It's true. See what you miss by not Googling this shit for yourself?)
So, the Ceti Eel just seems the most reasonable explanation for this pain.

And here's a buffed Ricardo M. as Khan, just for your viewing (and perhaps giggling) pleasure:

Hope the little fucker is enjoying his meal...

Friday, May 14, 2010


So, here's the thing with moving back across country after a decade...
I am SO stressed out.
It is really hard to juggle finding a place to live when you are half a continent away (even with your friends looking for you, it's still a lot of pressure), finding a way to make income THERE when you haven't left HERE, actually douching out the house and selling off as much shit as possible in a short period of time, trying to get the kids to HELP, worrying about the money to move anyway!'s never ending and it keeps sneaking up on me.
Today I am feeling especially burdened, overwhelmed, and daunted.
I have to plot a course for the move that will leave us near a motel that accepts pets each day. I have to actually have a for-sure date so I can rent the damn U-Haul. I have to make arrangements to get my mom out here. I have to tell the landlord I am leaving!
I can't do all this shit between the weekday hours of 6pm-6am, after a full day of work! IT DOESN'T WORK! I have tried!
I'm drowning.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Exercise Kills, People!

So, you know how in movies, there is always some idiot at the gym who flies off the back of their treadmill into the mirrored wall, and hilarity ensues?
Yesterday, I was that idiot. And it wasn't at all funny. (I know it wasn't, cuz I am still not laughing about it today. After almost 24 hours, it should already be funny if it's going to be.)
I went to my second session with my trainer at 24 Hour Fitness, and we had been doing stuff and interspersing treadmill in between. It was hard, but my cute little dyke trainer is very encouraging and we laugh a lot. So on our third trip to the treadmill, it was hard going. I am completely out of shape, and my lungs are always incapacitated anyway, so I was trying to comcentrate on breathing, and I closed my eyes for a second and completely lost my step rhythm...suddenly, BAM! I am off the back with my right leg, whacking my knees on the edge of the treadmill. Of course, your first instinct when you do this is to lean your weight on whichever leg is the steadiest. But my steady leg was STILL ON THE TREADMILL, which was still moving.
Aerodynamically, you cannot right yourself on a moving treadmill.
But I tried.
So I got to fall TWICE, and whack my knees TWICE.
To make it worse, the treadmills were all full, and the buffest guy in the gym was next to me. At least he didn't laugh at me. But then, he also did not see if I was okay. HUMPH!
My trainer just said, "WHOA! Just stay off! If it's going to happen, you can't stop it!" She swears this happens a lot, and that I wasn't the worst fall she has seen.
My first thoughts at the time were, "FAT GIRL FALLIN'!" (but in a funny way), and "Wow. She looks like a shitty trainer now, doesn't she?"
So, I recovered and finished my last 30 seconds and went on to weight training. Cuz I am tenacious and play-it-off like that unless I am GRAVELY injured.
So we went on to weight training. And THEN...(I know! How could I survive MORE?!) I ended up light headed and had to sit down on the floor.
Why? Because I seem to be unable to both BREATHE and COUNT at the same time.
So I was counting bicep pulls...and not breathing enough.
SO I kept going after I sat on the floor for two minutes. Cuz I am an idiot who refuses to be tamed.
It was okay by the end, but even my trainer had to say, "Good thing you weren't chewing gum, too."
By the time I got home, both my knees were HUGE. And I even had a huge lump like a mini extra knee cap, or a radio tuning dial, on top of my right kneecap. And scraped up, bloody knees like a small child with no motor control, running on cement.
I spent all last night icing them, and was in bed at 8, icing them again, loaded on ibuprofen, and exhausted and in pain. And since I was exhausted and in pain, I couldn't sleep, of course. I am too old for this get-in-shape shit.
Today I am hobbling like a hundred-year-old cripply woman, and my entire body hurts. Exercise kills, man. Don't do it.

(But yes, I am going again next week.)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


The Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (a NY Times bestseller, no less!) prequel: Dawn of the Dreadfuls by Steve MUST read it, people!
And read to the bottom of this blog, as THERE ARE PRIZES TO BE WON!

Before I tell you why this is a must-read, I have a few dirty little admissions to get out of the way upfront:

1. I have never really liked Jane Austen's novels. (No, do not throw things at me!)

Her women always struck me as weak, whiny and piddling creatures not really worth my time. But, since I was an English Lit major in college (before theatre got me in its clutches), and ended up halfheartedly attempting a Lit minor later, I HAVE read almost all of Austen's work. I even sat through a few of the movies they have made from them.

2. I, indubitably one of the few, the shamed, and the timid, have NOT read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, although I HAVE been planning to since its release. My copy was immediately confiscated and booknapped away into the Teenage Netherworld of my daughter's room, as soon as it hit the front door. I fear I have been mean, been unable to retrieve it thus far.

Be that as it may, the advanced reading copy of PPZ:Dawn of the Dreadfuls went directly into my hidey-hole when it arrived. As selfish a gesture as that may seem, I am eternally happy about it, as I was grinning by page eleven, and laughing out loud and publicly by page twenty-two...and the narrative actually starts on page nine, so that tells you something!

I am NOT going to tell you what happens in this book. Sorry. YOU MUST READ IT! But here is what I WILL tell you:

Hockensmith has the language and mores of Jane Austen down pat without making an offensive mockery of it, which could easily be done with the manners of that historical period...which should reassure you dyed-in-the-wool Austenites.

I must say, I like Mr. Bennett much more in this novel than in any of Austen's imaginings...a Mr. Bennett with knowledge of Shaolin warriorship and a dojo overtaken by Mrs. Bennett's greenhouse appealed to me immediately. Mrs. Bennett...ah, Mrs. Bennett. She is still very Austen, but even more so: more flamboyant, louder, more center-of-attention-seeking, more flibberty-jibberty. I hated her in Austen, and I can only say I still do. Although she does amuse periodically, which I never felt in Austen!

I even much more enjoy envisioning Elizabeth Bennett and her family in the situations Hockensmith puts them in over Austen's own. There is much joy to be found in fighting zombies (Oh! I said the Z word!) while trying to still go to balls and husband-hunt to please one's lunatic, single-minded mother!

I now give you two of my favorite quotes from early on in the novel, which I think express the tone of the novel quite nicely:

One, from Mrs. B, on the subject of marriage and coming out balls, while there are Dreadfuls afoot: "I need both of you on the market if we're to head off utter disaster! Ohhh, by the time this business is done, we'll all be roaming about in our shrouds with fresh brain smeared around our mouths like so much marmalade, you mark my words!"

And one from Mr. B, when queried as to his daughters' lack of desire to be trained as warriors to fight the Dreadfuls: "Then I will disown you, and you will, most likely, be torn apart and eaten by a pack of festering corpses...Any more questions?"

What's not to enjoy here?!

And now, I am afraid I need to gird my loins and venture into my daughter's room, at my most stealthily, trying to rescue Pride and Prejudice and Zombies to continue the saga!


And here's the prize part, people!

Follow the below link, and mention MY BLOG on the discussion boards (hey, even just help me stay on the advance reading copy list at Quirk Books; will ya help a girl out?!) Feel free to rave about me...

You are automatically entered for the prizes when you post.

The jolly folk at Quirk are giving away 50 prize packs (worth over $100!), which include the following:

  • Advance copy of this lovely novel, Dawn of the Dreadfuls

  • Audio books of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters

  • An online password redeemable for sample audio chapters of Dawn of the Dreadfuls

  • An AWESOME Dawn of the Dreadfuls poster

  • A Pride and Prejudice and Zombies journal

  • A box set of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies postcards!

Here's the link to Dawn of the Dreadfuls: GO NOW!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Endless Circling, Like Vultures...

Do you ever have thoughts, not very nice ones, that just won't go away, and they circle like vultures over a carcass, no matter what you try to do to banish them?
And, occasionally, you think you chased them off, but as soon as you think that, they come back out from behind that big tree and swoop again?
Yeah, me too.
Right now I am having some serious circling vulture thoughts on the subject of money.
Actually, lack thereof.
Now, I KNOW I chose a difficult path, doing the single-mom-in-California thang, especially by adding another kid.

But that does not change the fact that I have these damn vultures, all the same.

I work full time. I mom full time. I am in debt full time.

I LACK full time.

I have tried my damnedest to get in the vibrational "call it to you and the Universe will give it to you" mindspace, but y'know what?

Ends still do not meet. Bills still go unpaid. Collection agencies still get involved. And I still can't pay them. I owe doctors, dentists, chiropractors, my boss...not to mention a credit card I haven't touched in over a decade that has been transferred around five or six different collection agencies. The last one said, "You owe $2412...we'll let you off for $1500." Yeah...cuz I HAVE $1500 at any one time in my life! NOT! Jesus, that's more than an entire paycheck, and my rent takes up a whole one itself. And paying everyone each month? Doesn't happen.
Why? Because I need gas and food, that's why. There is nowhere else to cut expenses. Do not think I haven't looked.

And, yes, you helpful folks, I HAVE looked into help. I make too much money.
How's THAT for a laugh?!
At the end of the month, I do not have money for gas unless I take it out of the rent, which then costs me $35 + $5 a day of overdraft fees when the bank covers it anyway. By the end of the month, we are pretty close to foodless. And I am not wasting my money all over the place; it just isn't enough. My paycheck and child support goes to the following: rent, gas, car expenses (insurance, payment, etc.), food, personal toiletries. For the most part, that's IT.
(And I have two teenage daughters, so you can imagine how the last two expenses grow.)

I am having a lot of trouble getting my mind around the fact that I can work full time and still not make a close-to-decent living. This seems completely WRONG in the Universe.
Thus, my vultures start up periodically, no matter how positively I try to think.
Right this minute, I am NOT overdrawn. For once. But the vultures closed in today. They are cawing (or whatever vultures DO) on and on, ad nauseum, about how I will never make ends meet, I will always have to go without something, I will never make enough to keep us in anything close to "okay" standard of living, and I will never be able to live in peace with being in debt and will never be able to NOT panic over gas money and food.
So, you will notice there is no "solution" here.
Wasn't trying to help show anyone the way this round...just expressing myself.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

I Wanna Be a Derby Girl!

In my next life, I'm going to do roller derby.
Not in this life, because, this life I cannot skate, I bruise easily and I dislike pain.
But next life, roller derby goes in there with surfing and midwifery and having a spouse.
Reasons Roller Derby Rocks:
1. Have you SEEN their bods?! So in shape and strong; it is awe-inspiring!
(Besides, strong thighs are HOT!)
2. Women, quite simply, ROCK.

3. Let's say the E word, people: EMPOWERMENT.

4. Battle cries. I still adore "HIGH OCTANE PUSSY!" myself, but since I have only just begun to watch Rollergirls, Season 1, a new fave may be in the offing.

5. Costumes, glam, safety gear with stickers. (At least if you watch it on TV!)

6. In my town, the posters are fucking HOT.

7. And lastly...sometimes even the nicest girls feel the need to push someone over with force.

Santa Cruz has it's own team, which makes me no end of giddy: the Santa Cruz Derby Girls! They are an Apprentice team in the Women's Flat Track Derby Association.

This is where you can find them:

You will notice, should you go take a gander, that we have THREE teams in this little town, whose members generally, it seems, skate for more than one team each: the Boardwalk Bombshells, the Harbor Hellcats, and the Beach Flat Betties (that'd be MY 'hood!), although this year's lineup on the website doesn't have the Betties shown, so...who knows what is happening there.

And why does little Santa Cruz have three teams? Because little Santa Cruz is COOL AS HELL! Yep, we are. We cannot help it. It's in the water, or the air...or something.

I am actually acquainted with one of the ladies, and I always DID think she was the coolest chick ever, so to see her skating is no surprise.

I have not been out to see our teams in real-live action, but their season starts in March, and I plan on catching them then...gods, I hope they sell T-shirts, because if there is one thing I am good for, it is wearing fan clothing and spreading the word!

I always knew roller derby existed, but never knew details, or anyone who skated, or how it worked. You, too, can be in the know: There ARE actually rules, and a point to the game, and it ain't like that 70s flick Rollerball, either. (Whew! Thank the gods for THAT!)