Endless Circling, Like Vultures...

Do you ever have thoughts, not very nice ones, that just won't go away, and they circle like vultures over a carcass, no matter what you try to do to banish them?

And, occasionally, you think you chased them off, but as soon as you think that, they come back out from behind that big tree and swoop again?

Yeah, me too.

Right now I am having some serious circling vulture thoughts on the subject of money.

Actually, lack thereof.

Now, I KNOW I chose a difficult path, doing the single-mom-in-California thang, especially by adding another kid.

But that does not change the fact that I have these damn vultures, all the same.

I work full time. I mom full time. I am in debt full time.

I LACK full time.

I have tried my damnedest to get in the vibrational "call it to you and the Universe will give it to you" mindspace, but y'know what?

Ends still do not meet. Bills still go unpaid. Collection agencies still get involved. And I still can't pay them. I owe doctors, dentists, chiropractors, my boss...not to mention a credit card I haven't touched in over a decade that has been transferred around five or six different collection agencies. The last one said, "You owe $2412...we'll let you off for $1500." Yeah...cuz I HAVE $1500 at any one time in my life! NOT! Jesus, that's more than an entire paycheck, and my rent takes up a whole one itself. And paying everyone each month? Doesn't happen.

Why? Because I need gas and food, that's why. There is nowhere else to cut expenses. Do not think I haven't looked.

And, yes, you helpful folks, I HAVE looked into help. I make too much money.

How's THAT for a laugh?!

At the end of the month, I do not have money for gas unless I take it out of the rent, which then costs me $35 + $5 a day of overdraft fees when the bank covers it anyway. By the end of the month, we are pretty close to foodless. And I am not wasting my money all over the place; it just isn't enough. My paycheck and child support goes to the following: rent, gas, car expenses (insurance, payment, etc.), food, personal toiletries. For the most part, that's IT.

(And I have two teenage daughters, so you can imagine how the last two expenses grow.)

I am having a lot of trouble getting my mind around the fact that I can work full time and still not make a close-to-decent living. This seems completely WRONG in the Universe.

Thus, my vultures start up periodically, no matter how positively I try to think.

Right this minute, I am NOT overdrawn. For once. But the vultures closed in today. They are cawing (or whatever vultures DO) on and on, ad nauseum, about how I will never make ends meet, I will always have to go without something, I will never make enough to keep us in anything close to "okay" standard of living, and I will never be able to live in peace with being in debt and will never be able to NOT panic over gas money and food.

So, you will notice there is no "solution" here.

Nope.

Wasn't trying to help show anyone the way this round...just expressing myself.