Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Exercise Kills, People!

So, you know how in movies, there is always some idiot at the gym who flies off the back of their treadmill into the mirrored wall, and hilarity ensues?
Yesterday, I was that idiot. And it wasn't at all funny. (I know it wasn't, cuz I am still not laughing about it today. After almost 24 hours, it should already be funny if it's going to be.)
I went to my second session with my trainer at 24 Hour Fitness, and we had been doing stuff and interspersing treadmill in between. It was hard, but my cute little dyke trainer is very encouraging and we laugh a lot. So on our third trip to the treadmill, it was hard going. I am completely out of shape, and my lungs are always incapacitated anyway, so I was trying to comcentrate on breathing, and I closed my eyes for a second and completely lost my step rhythm...suddenly, BAM! I am off the back with my right leg, whacking my knees on the edge of the treadmill. Of course, your first instinct when you do this is to lean your weight on whichever leg is the steadiest. But my steady leg was STILL ON THE TREADMILL, which was still moving.
Aerodynamically, you cannot right yourself on a moving treadmill.
But I tried.
So I got to fall TWICE, and whack my knees TWICE.
To make it worse, the treadmills were all full, and the buffest guy in the gym was next to me. At least he didn't laugh at me. But then, he also did not see if I was okay. HUMPH!
My trainer just said, "WHOA! Just stay off! If it's going to happen, you can't stop it!" She swears this happens a lot, and that I wasn't the worst fall she has seen.
My first thoughts at the time were, "FAT GIRL FALLIN'!" (but in a funny way), and "Wow. She looks like a shitty trainer now, doesn't she?"
So, I recovered and finished my last 30 seconds and went on to weight training. Cuz I am tenacious and play-it-off like that unless I am GRAVELY injured.
So we went on to weight training. And THEN...(I know! How could I survive MORE?!) I ended up light headed and had to sit down on the floor.
Why? Because I seem to be unable to both BREATHE and COUNT at the same time.
So I was counting bicep pulls...and not breathing enough.
SO I kept going after I sat on the floor for two minutes. Cuz I am an idiot who refuses to be tamed.
It was okay by the end, but even my trainer had to say, "Good thing you weren't chewing gum, too."
By the time I got home, both my knees were HUGE. And I even had a huge lump like a mini extra knee cap, or a radio tuning dial, on top of my right kneecap. And scraped up, bloody knees like a small child with no motor control, running on cement.
I spent all last night icing them, and was in bed at 8, icing them again, loaded on ibuprofen, and exhausted and in pain. And since I was exhausted and in pain, I couldn't sleep, of course. I am too old for this get-in-shape shit.
Today I am hobbling like a hundred-year-old cripply woman, and my entire body hurts. Exercise kills, man. Don't do it.

(But yes, I am going again next week.)

No comments:

Post a Comment