Endless Circling, Like Vultures...

Do you ever have thoughts, not very nice ones, that just won't go away, and they circle like vultures over a carcass, no matter what you try to do to banish them?

And, occasionally, you think you chased them off, but as soon as you think that, they come back out from behind that big tree and swoop again?

Yeah, me too.

Right now I am having some serious circling vulture thoughts on the subject of money.

Actually, lack thereof.

Now, I KNOW I chose a difficult path, doing the single-mom-in-California thang, especially by adding another kid.

But that does not change the fact that I have these damn vultures, all the same.

I work full time. I mom full time. I am in debt full time.

I LACK full time.

I have tried my damnedest to get in the vibrational "call it to you and the Universe will give it to you" mindspace, but y'know what?

Ends still do not meet. Bills still go unpaid. Collection agencies still get involved. And I still can't pay them. I owe doctors, dentists, chiropractors, my boss...not to mention a credit card I haven't touched in over a decade that has been transferred around five or six different collection agencies. The last one said, "You owe $2412...we'll let you off for $1500." Yeah...cuz I HAVE $1500 at any one time in my life! NOT! Jesus, that's more than an entire paycheck, and my rent takes up a whole one itself. And paying everyone each month? Doesn't happen.

Why? Because I need gas and food, that's why. There is nowhere else to cut expenses. Do not think I haven't looked.

And, yes, you helpful folks, I HAVE looked into help. I make too much money.

How's THAT for a laugh?!

At the end of the month, I do not have money for gas unless I take it out of the rent, which then costs me $35 + $5 a day of overdraft fees when the bank covers it anyway. By the end of the month, we are pretty close to foodless. And I am not wasting my money all over the place; it just isn't enough. My paycheck and child support goes to the following: rent, gas, car expenses (insurance, payment, etc.), food, personal toiletries. For the most part, that's IT.

(And I have two teenage daughters, so you can imagine how the last two expenses grow.)

I am having a lot of trouble getting my mind around the fact that I can work full time and still not make a close-to-decent living. This seems completely WRONG in the Universe.

Thus, my vultures start up periodically, no matter how positively I try to think.

Right this minute, I am NOT overdrawn. For once. But the vultures closed in today. They are cawing (or whatever vultures DO) on and on, ad nauseum, about how I will never make ends meet, I will always have to go without something, I will never make enough to keep us in anything close to "okay" standard of living, and I will never be able to live in peace with being in debt and will never be able to NOT panic over gas money and food.

So, you will notice there is no "solution" here.

Nope.

Wasn't trying to help show anyone the way this round...just expressing myself.

I Wanna Be a Derby Girl!

In my next life, I'm going to do roller derby.

Not in this life, because, well...in this life I cannot skate, I bruise easily and I dislike pain.

But next life, roller derby goes in there with surfing and midwifery and having a spouse.

Reasons Roller Derby Rocks:

1. Have you SEEN their bods?! So in shape and strong; it is awe-inspiring!

(Besides, strong thighs are HOT!)

2. Women, quite simply, ROCK.

3. Let's say the E word, people: EMPOWERMENT.

4. Battle cries. I still adore "HIGH OCTANE PUSSY!" myself, but since I have only just begun to watch Rollergirls, Season 1, a new fave may be in the offing.

5. Costumes, glam, safety gear with stickers. (At least if you watch it on TV!)

6. In my town, the posters are fucking HOT.

7. And lastly...sometimes even the nicest girls feel the need to push someone over with force.

Santa Cruz has it's own team, which makes me no end of giddy: the Santa Cruz Derby Girls! They are an Apprentice team in the Women's Flat Track Derby Association.

This is where you can find them: http://santacruzderbygirls.org/

You will notice, should you go take a gander, that we have THREE teams in this little town, whose members generally, it seems, skate for more than one team each: the Boardwalk Bombshells, the Harbor Hellcats, and the Beach Flat Betties (that'd be MY 'hood!), although this year's lineup on the website doesn't have the Betties shown, so...who knows what is happening there.

And why does little Santa Cruz have three teams? Because little Santa Cruz is COOL AS HELL! Yep, we are. We cannot help it. It's in the water, or the air...or something.

I am actually acquainted with one of the ladies, and I always DID think she was the coolest chick ever, so to see her skating is no surprise.

I have not been out to see our teams in real-live action, but their season starts in March, and I plan on catching them then...gods, I hope they sell T-shirts, because if there is one thing I am good for, it is wearing fan clothing and spreading the word!

I always knew roller derby existed, but never knew details, or anyone who skated, or how it worked. You, too, can be in the know: http://www.wftda.com/ There ARE actually rules, and a point to the game, and it ain't like that 70s flick Rollerball, either. (Whew! Thank the gods for THAT!)