Endless Circling, Like Vultures...

Do you ever have thoughts, not very nice ones, that just won't go away, and they circle like vultures over a carcass, no matter what you try to do to banish them?

And, occasionally, you think you chased them off, but as soon as you think that, they come back out from behind that big tree and swoop again?

Yeah, me too.

Right now I am having some serious circling vulture thoughts on the subject of money.

Actually, lack thereof.

Now, I KNOW I chose a difficult path, doing the single-mom-in-California thang, especially by adding another kid.

But that does not change the fact that I have these damn vultures, all the same.

I work full time. I mom full time. I am in debt full time.

I LACK full time.

I have tried my damnedest to get in the vibrational "call it to you and the Universe will give it to you" mindspace, but y'know what?

Ends still do not meet. Bills still go unpaid. Collection agencies still get involved. And I still can't pay them. I owe doctors, dentists, chiropractors, my boss...not to mention a credit card I haven't touched in over a decade that has been transferred around five or six different collection agencies. The last one said, "You owe $2412...we'll let you off for $1500." Yeah...cuz I HAVE $1500 at any one time in my life! NOT! Jesus, that's more than an entire paycheck, and my rent takes up a whole one itself. And paying everyone each month? Doesn't happen.

Why? Because I need gas and food, that's why. There is nowhere else to cut expenses. Do not think I haven't looked.

And, yes, you helpful folks, I HAVE looked into help. I make too much money.

How's THAT for a laugh?!

At the end of the month, I do not have money for gas unless I take it out of the rent, which then costs me $35 + $5 a day of overdraft fees when the bank covers it anyway. By the end of the month, we are pretty close to foodless. And I am not wasting my money all over the place; it just isn't enough. My paycheck and child support goes to the following: rent, gas, car expenses (insurance, payment, etc.), food, personal toiletries. For the most part, that's IT.

(And I have two teenage daughters, so you can imagine how the last two expenses grow.)

I am having a lot of trouble getting my mind around the fact that I can work full time and still not make a close-to-decent living. This seems completely WRONG in the Universe.

Thus, my vultures start up periodically, no matter how positively I try to think.

Right this minute, I am NOT overdrawn. For once. But the vultures closed in today. They are cawing (or whatever vultures DO) on and on, ad nauseum, about how I will never make ends meet, I will always have to go without something, I will never make enough to keep us in anything close to "okay" standard of living, and I will never be able to live in peace with being in debt and will never be able to NOT panic over gas money and food.

So, you will notice there is no "solution" here.

Nope.

Wasn't trying to help show anyone the way this round...just expressing myself.

I Wanna Be a Derby Girl!

In my next life, I'm going to do roller derby.

Not in this life, because, well...in this life I cannot skate, I bruise easily and I dislike pain.

But next life, roller derby goes in there with surfing and midwifery and having a spouse.

Reasons Roller Derby Rocks:

1. Have you SEEN their bods?! So in shape and strong; it is awe-inspiring!

(Besides, strong thighs are HOT!)

2. Women, quite simply, ROCK.

3. Let's say the E word, people: EMPOWERMENT.

4. Battle cries. I still adore "HIGH OCTANE PUSSY!" myself, but since I have only just begun to watch Rollergirls, Season 1, a new fave may be in the offing.

5. Costumes, glam, safety gear with stickers. (At least if you watch it on TV!)

6. In my town, the posters are fucking HOT.

7. And lastly...sometimes even the nicest girls feel the need to push someone over with force.

Santa Cruz has it's own team, which makes me no end of giddy: the Santa Cruz Derby Girls! They are an Apprentice team in the Women's Flat Track Derby Association.

This is where you can find them: http://santacruzderbygirls.org/

You will notice, should you go take a gander, that we have THREE teams in this little town, whose members generally, it seems, skate for more than one team each: the Boardwalk Bombshells, the Harbor Hellcats, and the Beach Flat Betties (that'd be MY 'hood!), although this year's lineup on the website doesn't have the Betties shown, so...who knows what is happening there.

And why does little Santa Cruz have three teams? Because little Santa Cruz is COOL AS HELL! Yep, we are. We cannot help it. It's in the water, or the air...or something.

I am actually acquainted with one of the ladies, and I always DID think she was the coolest chick ever, so to see her skating is no surprise.

I have not been out to see our teams in real-live action, but their season starts in March, and I plan on catching them then...gods, I hope they sell T-shirts, because if there is one thing I am good for, it is wearing fan clothing and spreading the word!

I always knew roller derby existed, but never knew details, or anyone who skated, or how it worked. You, too, can be in the know: http://www.wftda.com/ There ARE actually rules, and a point to the game, and it ain't like that 70s flick Rollerball, either. (Whew! Thank the gods for THAT!)

Like a bad penny...

I always turn up again!
And here I am.
Rather than ennumerate the massive happenings of 2009, I shall do a few sentences to fill you all in, and then FORWARD HO!
*Thank the gods it is over.
*My back is better.
*Genevieve got a Corgihuahua named Yoda. He's a spaz, but loving and too cute to hate.
*Allie is back living with us, not as a foster, just as a 17-year-old human.
*My auntie had a tumor in her breast. I heard right after Christmas. Surgery was Monday.
*We are moving back to Iowa this summer. I cannot afford Santa Cruz anymore. Actually, I never could, really. Time to give in and get a better standard of living.
*I met some HippyMoms. I love them. Forever.
*Haven't dated in a year. Cannot decide if I miss it.
*Small identity crisis happened. Or rather, not small, but short-lived. I think I am over the panicky part of it.
*Genevieve is sixteen. I am old.

That's 2009 in a nutshell!

Welcome to 2010: the Year I Change My Life.
I do not make resolutions. I find that making resolutions puts too much pressure on us, and sets us up to feel like crap when we "fail". And life gives us enough of those moments without setting ourselves up.
So, here are my intentions, not resolutions:

*Drink more water. LOTS more.
*Cut down on the sugar. This will be VERY difficult, as I am a junkie.
*Get a pap/pelvic/mammogram. Even IF the co-pay is really tough to come up with.
*Sell off a lot of stuff in preparation for moving.
*Move this summer, back home to Iowa, with four pets, two teenage daughters, me, and my car.
*Find a job or two in Iowa THAT I ENJOY.
*Find a way not to work full time.
*Eat better. Eat less. Eat when hungry.
*Move more.
*BLOG. REGULARLY!
*Don't run out of toilet paper.
*Make art.
*Clean out my Yahoo mailbox. I have crap...er, mail... in there from last August.
*Save some money.
*Plan a trip to see some Hippies again.
*Live somewhere with less linoleum, and room for everyone.
*Make stuff. Sell it on etsy.com.
*Get all the animals to the vet for check-ups.
*Make more time for ME. Just me.
*Stop sacrificing My True Self so completely for Mom Me.
*Find joy.
*Laugh everyday.

That's all I can think of right now.
It doesn't look too unmanageable for a year...

See you soon!

Bigotry in the U.S.

Okay, take a gander at the email I received today:





"USPS New 44-Cent Stamp!!! Celebrates Muslim holiday.

If there is only ONE thing you forward today... let it be this!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of Pan Am Flight 103!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the Marine Barracks in Lebanon !
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the military Barracks in Saudi Arabia !
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the American Embassies in Africa !
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the USS COLE!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM attack on 9/11/2001 !
REMEMBER all the AMERICAN lives that were lost in those vicious MUSLIM attacks!
Now President Obama has directed the United States Postal Service to REMEMBER and HONOR the EID MUSLIM holiday season with a new commemorative 42 Cent First Class Holiday Postage Stamp..
REMEMBER to adamantly & vocally BOYCOTT this stamp, when you are purchasing your stamps at the post office.
All you have to say is "No thank you, I do not want that Muslim Stamp on my letters!"

To use this stamp would be a slap in the face to all those AMERICANS who died at the hands of those whom this stamp honors.
REMEMBER ~pass this along to every Patriotic AMERICAN that you know and lets get the word out !!!
Here is something to chew on...
They (MUSLIMS) don't even believe in Christ, & they're getting their own Christmas stamp! BUT, don't dare to dream of posting the ten commandments on federal property! This is truly UNBELIEVABLE !!! "

Now prepare for my wrath.

First off, you seemingly incredibly-bigoted, narrow-minded, self-important muckraking, fly-off-the-handle, panic-spreading reactionists: the postal service has been printing this stamp FOR YEARS! Note the picture above…when postage was 33 cents. So your muckraking Obama-bashing on this is completely off the mark. Your Republican-hero past presidents ALSO "directed" this stamp released, every year. THIS HOLIDAY IS ALREADY BEING COMMEMORATED, and has been for YEARS! Our President is not “directing” anything!

In simple fact, this stamp is gorgeous, and I have purposefully purchased them for my Christmas cards for the last two years, to contribute to the holiday ideal of a peaceful and loving holiday season.

You have taken patriotism to the lowest possible level, to the point where it is no longer patriotism but full-out, undeniable BIGOTRY! I, for one, am in NO WAY this kind of “American”…I even go so far as to say that your reactionary bigotry is UN-American. Yes, that is what I said. UN-American. And, judging from your final lines, I think I can safely say you are also incredibly and undeniably UN-Christian, as well.

Most sane people are able to remember the TERRORIST bombings and attacks. They were awful and horrendous and insane…but generalizing that all Muslims are, or agree with, the terrorist factions is pure hatred and insane bigotry loosely and poorly disguised as patriotism…and THAT is a large part of what is wrong with America today, folks.

Americans are no more holy or learned or “right” than any other country, and Christians are no more holy or learned or “right” than any other religion’s adherents. What incredible hubris it is, to begin with, for any human to think they know what God wants or would do or thinks, and to presume to take His wrath into their own hands through word or deed!

People having different religious views from yours is not a crime. People not believing in your god does not mean that they are lesser, or wrong, or evil. All religions, all holidays, all celebrations of faith are equally valid, and should be equally respected as the celebrations of faith and hope and love that they are. God is sure as hell not nearly as judgmental as you people are…at least you had better HOPE not, since your path is one of darkness and hatred, and completely oversteps the boundaries that any god has set up for his followers to begin with!

By the way, the Eid stamp is NOT a CHRISTMAS stamp. It is a HOLIDAY stamp, which is why it comes out with the Christmas, winter, and Kwanzaa stamps. And I will probably buy them again this year…partly because of your outrageous email, to be honest.

By the way, I do not want the ten commandments posted, either…and I am not Muslim!Christianity is NOT the only religion in the world…nor should it be.

So chew on THAT!

August 28th Doings

Being in the car accident at the end of June not only reminded me what a gift it is to NOT have to be sedentary, but also gave me a lot of time to read. With my newfound limits, a lot of books didn't get finished--my limit being, "You are 40. If a book does not make you want to finish it by page 40, let it go and move on." Quite a few books got let go, which was good for my towering bookshelf, even if it did not make much visible difference!


Thanks to a huge fine on my library card from letting my daughter check out books on it, I skipped the library most of the summer. Last week I finally paid the $20 fine. Today, August 28th, I left the house, which is irritating me near to the point of violent acting-out---I could FEEL myself about to start throwing shit--and went to the library. There were books on hold for me, to go with the books I checked out last week, and I decided if I could get to a quiet, preferably windowside table, I would treat myself to reading. Just reading. In the cool library, as it was hot out already at 11a.m., surrounded by books. Surrounded by books is one of my favorite places to be, in the entire universe, ever.


So, I put on jeans that don't really match my orangey tank, my pretty orange flowered shoes, and slapped my favorite sun hat onto my head to hide my greasy hair. These things combined--not matching, not caring to wash my hair--should tell those of you who know me exactly how irritated I had become...I never do not match in public. Ever. And rarely in provate. (To my credit, the hat goes with the tank well, and the tank goes well with the shoes, although the hat and the flowered shoes together?...not so much. And these jeans with the bling on the pockets--not really with anything. But they are clean. But, I digress...


I ran to the post office to mail off my Netflix. I got cash. I got to the library at 10:40, parked in the only-locals-know-this-is-free parking lot next to the library, under one of the library trees---I love trees---and started reading, waiting for the library to open at 11. Grayson by Lynne Cox.


There was less of a homeless population than usual waiting to snatch up the tables for a nap inside today. I got the books I had on hold, and found one of the best seats in the library---it faces city hall and overlooks a nice little corner of benched landscaping, and is shielded by a large maple tree that sits out from it on the parking. I love this tree because not only is it taller than the building, but it has thrived even though they have paved and added more cement around it until it's 7' x 18" patch is the only dirt around (until they landscaped under the windows of course), but the tree itself is still surrounded on all sides by lifeless concrete. City Hall has a yard, and lots of trees, so it's a good view. Very green. The only seat better than this is the corner one, but it's closer to an intersection, too---more traffic noise.


So, I got "my table", and kept reading Grayson. By 12:26, I had finished it, feeling a little misty and a lot jealous of the author. Grayson is about a baby gray whale and a swimmer, a true story that took place when the author was 17, over just a few hours of her life, and it ends happily. No one dies, no one is hurt, there are no guns or murder or lawyers or pain and suffering to a large degree. Sitting in the library, it did not make me cry with happiness; at home, alone, however, it may have. It made me want to go to the beach. It made me want to start life over and work for the Marine Mammal Center. It made me wish I could swim well enough to ocean swim. And it reminded me of a few very important things about living a full life, and being connected to the Universe.


It's a short book (only 147 pages), a quick read, and you should all read it. All of you, yes. Read it to your kids, too. Give it to everyone you know for their birthdays. I am not kidding. I myself am going to go out and buy my own copy, and put it in the place of honor on my bookshelf, next to Harold and the Purple Crayon, The Eight, and Mists of Avalon. And I fully plan to reread it at least once a year. And go whale-watching at least every two years for the rest of my life. Maybe even be nicer to my daughter's hellbound cat. Maybe.


I came home after an older hippie man, smelling of smoke and dirt, sat down to share the table with me at the library. Steve. Very polite. Introduced himself. Asked if he could give me his number. I nicely said no. Bet the VW van parked down from me was his, too.


Traded my jeans for my comfy sushi-print pants (which still don't match my tank), made some fries, read all night...sometimes, despite all the negative, life is good.

Long Time, No See

Well, hello there. I am back, talking to myself, most probably, but here I am...my own little corner of cyberspace, which I have been neglecting for a long time now.

Let's just chalk it all up to life getting a little...difficult...for awhile, and move on.

Yes, the jellyfish is still squishing...

I do not want to dwell on the difficulties, so let me just summarize (I am sure I will want to talk about it in more depth someday, but this is not that day):

*April 15: turned 40. Not happily. I am not fond of 40 yet.

*June 28th: Car accident. Rear ended by woman who never touched brakes until after she hit me. Car totalled. Me hurt. Daughter spared, aside from a 24 hour headache.

*June-July: Both car parties have same insurance company; I still get screwed (by my OWN insurance company, yes.

*Late July: Get financed on a used 2007 Kia Spectra. Silver. Boring. But necessary. Also got lawyer.

*August 1-present: Severe life dissatisfaction. In search of...what? Still trying to figure that out.

There ya go. Nutshelled.

I've been watching a lot of Netflix this summer. (That happens when you can't sit upright for very long.) I've watched so much...shit. Truly, there were two weeks where everything I watched was crappy. Except The Closer. That's a fun show.

But NOW...now I find, surprisingly, that I REALLY enjoy Sons of Anarchy. Why does this surprise me? Well, first, I do not look like a biker babe, or anyone who would ever be someone's Old Lady, as far as I can tell. Secondly, I will never be a big fan of illegal activities, killing, gun running, or drugs, which are the basic activities in the show, to be honest. But I like the show anyway. Well, yes, Ron Perlman IS a god, Hellboy makeup or not, so there is that. He is actually the reason I watched the first disc. But now I find that I genuinely LIKE the show, despite everything about the plot that I would seem diametrically opposed to. I've run through the first two discs of season one already, and must say, I am truly getting a good and cathartic release from the violence...what's not to like about tossing a stalker through a plate glass window, I ask you? Besides...they blow shit up a lot. As long as it isn't reality, I love watching things blow up.

So, there ya go. My first venture back into my blog.

It ain't exciting, but it's a start.

Friends With Benefits

First, allow me to be up-front: I have had a few male FWBs.

Now, maybe it is just because I never paid attention, or maybe it is just because I really just wanted what I thought was the affection of these arrangements, but either way, I have come to some realizations recently about the state of FWB.

I do not think they are sustainable, especially if you have a strong moral and ethical fiber and actually WANT someone to grow old with at some point.

Hear me out. I have some experience here.

First, what I have come to see as the BASIC problem...men and women do NOT, AT ALL, define things the same way. The definitions are different for all of the the following terms: Friends, With, and Benefits.

Let us break it down:

Friends- Men and women do not treat their friends the same way, even without Benefits. To men, a FWB friend means he does not have to call, answer calls, remember birthdays, pretend to know a woman in public, take her anywhere at all, or tell anyone about her existence. To women, that is not ANY kind of friendship at all.